Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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My beach vacation Google searches
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
New mindset, who dis?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files