Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care