Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?