@Carbosly: Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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@BuckyIsotope: Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
@PostCultRev: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don't even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
@junejuly12: Top 5 forms of torture 5. Sleep deprivation 4. Dentist drills 3. Solitary confinement 2. Water boarding 1. Cilantro
@davidkenny100: I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries