@Carbosly: Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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@Ideal_Victoria: I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
@Shingaboop: Coworker: GOOD MORNING! Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee Coworker: But you don't drink coffee Me: Exactly
@10InchesPlus: So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I'm listening.