Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?