@Carbosly: Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.
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@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
@TheTweetOfGod: Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
@Swishergirl24: Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
@wittwitbarista: I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.