Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine