[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
What an awful time to have common sense.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!