Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Meeeee too!
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER