I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie