Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
fourth time’s the charm
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.