Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.