Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.