🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.