Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
when someone rings the doorbell
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.