That was easy.
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.