Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.