Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?