*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Sponch
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here