Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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Finally! 😈
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.