Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
#Caturday
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it