Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I have a new favorite meme page
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.