Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Stop sending me this shit.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy