@funTweeters
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.