Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.