Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You Might Also Like
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face