Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Oh the world we live in…
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.