@Sean_Burgundy_: Apparently "Which one?" wasn't the best answer when my gf's dad asked me "What are your intentions with my daughter?"
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@DanMentos: [terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
@AthenaMystique: *texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
@rockymomax: wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake