Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
cat vs inanimate object
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.