@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
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@JohnLyonTweets: And the cat's in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer's, this is a terrible mix-up.
@UncleDuke1969: [job interview] Him: What’s your greatest strength? Me: I’m very independent. Him: … Me: … Him: … Me: Tell him, Mom. Mom: He is!
@squirrel74wkgn: If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
@daniel_shaw: Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."