Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”