@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
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@ryaninco: There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
@timdonakowski: Don't eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
@Xoolun: My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.
@PimpleEye: It's not that I don't like drinking, it's just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I'm sober.