@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
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@JermHimselfish: I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.
@SpenceDen: I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
@Tommytoughstuff: THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.