Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.