Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
You Might Also Like
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
that de-escalated quickly
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.