I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho