I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.