*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace