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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
being a writer on Twitter: