@haveigotnews: Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a 'more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug'.
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@Reverend_Scott: [guy in dark alley] Psst. Hey, lady... *opens trench coat* CHECK OUT- *dozens of bibles fall out* -our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
@AbrasiveGhost: WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]