@haveigotnews: Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a 'more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug'.
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@BromanConsul: "You knew what you were getting into, Charlene" "Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage" "YOU READ MY BIO"
@mortimermaiden: I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.
@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I think there's an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.