Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When someone trying to leave me
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
adding to the discourse
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning