Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
ugh not again
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.