@HausOfAustin: Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
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@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@ItsAndyRyan: PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
@TrickleVaryTea: Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
@youcancallmesim: Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?