Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just a bush.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Twitter fine art
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group