Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Thursday Thought.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Single and childfree like Jesus
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*