Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
i hate you platonically
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀