@GroperCleveland: Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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@michaelianblack: Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
@PoliUncorrect: I'm mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don't tell me how hard your life is
@ibid78: [math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken
@Itskarleytime: Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place? Me: *elaborate excuse* Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?