@GroperCleveland: Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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@audipenny: Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Now what's the rule, son? 11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can't call him a rapper. Me: You're learning...
@KalvinMacleod: [ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone
@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.