Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
You Might Also Like
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
lol
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.