APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Why is this me 😫
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??