You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.