[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.