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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me