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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Put the is in disheveled
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
nature’s most graceful animal
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.