Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”