cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
#inspiration #foodforthought
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen