April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
How to draw a duck
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”