I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.